임희재 250101::163712 33
I lost my dad less than a year ago.
And I am struggling. Single man, 39 years old, no kids. I have my mom, but I don’t live with her. (I live in a different city for work reasons.)
Everyone is different, but I was very attached to my dad (and am to my mom). I used to talk with my dad for about an hour everyday on the phone. He was very close to me. Even when I was an adult, we would hug each other, give pecks on the cheeks, etc. We laughed together and shared so many stories.
My parents raised me well and worked hard to give me a good life and education. And I am reaping the benefits of that. I am who I am, thanks to my parents.
Watching my dad die was one of the hardest phases in my life. His team of doctors came to me one day in the hospital and said, “You can take your dad home, there’s no further treatment for him. We can discharge him whenever you are ready.” I felt so helpless. And I still have regrets related to that. (His cancer had spread and there were really no options. We sought second and third opinions, but it was apparent. I, however, was in denial at that time.)
Fast forward to now: I still miss my dad daily, but I am surviving. It’s not easy. I am massively depressed. No, I am not suicidal, nor am I going to harm others. I haven’t slept in days. I know it sounds unrealistic, but I just lie on my couch and do absolutely nothing. My motivation to work has gone as well. I don’t go to the gym anymore; I am someone who would go 6-7 days a week. Everything seems futile.
It seems childish that an adult man is still grieving over the loss of his father after so many months. “Be a man/grow up,” is what we are told. And I understand the intentions behind that. But it’s easier said than done. And everyone is different. Also, I get that I am not the first person in this world to lose his father. There are many people, including young kids, who lose not just one, but both parents. There are also those kids who get (physically) lost and are never found; they can never meet their parents even though they know their parents are somewhere out there.
So I definitely understand what you are asking, OP.
But we have to live on. And we have to thrive, right? Our parents would have wanted us to thrive and be successful, right? If not, you will be disappointing them. Yeah, I understand they are not going to be around physically, but at least in memory or spirit.
You might be single but you will have friends and extended family. They all care about you. They may not actively be involved in your day-to-day life, but your well-being matters to them.
If your parents are alive, talk to them about your thoughts. It seems like you have a close bond with them. Their assurances that they want to see you be successful will give you the motivation if and when they die.
Also, everyone: ask your older family members to prepare a will. It can be amended later by the same person if situations change. But it saves a lot of headache and paperwork later.
(For my own depression: I plan to seek therapy to deal with my grief. Some people don’t need it, but I feel I will benefit from it. There’s no shame in therapy; I am not mentally challenged - and even if I was, there’s nothing wrong in that - but moreover, I just need to talk with someone who can understand me better. So there should be no stigma attached to this.
Also, I will need to see a doctor to get prescription medication for certain conditions like insomnia.
My health insurance just changed and I am trying to get appointments with the new therapists and doctors.)